Dear Diary
by MeIGuess
Summary: Kurt starts to write a diary as he is broken and alone and he thinks that a diary is the only thing that will listen to him. Will Blaine return back into Kurt's life and heal him or will Kurt be alone forever? Trigger warnings inside.


**So I started writing a diary as I needed someone to listen. I stupidly thought that the diary could do just that but unfortunately it was not cooperating. I therefore decided to turn it into a Klaine fanfic so that maybe then some fellow Klainers out there would listen. I obviously changed some things, the date for example, in order for it to make more sense, but if Kurt seems a little out of character at times it's because he's me, not him. Sorry about that! Oh and it's not canon I don't think. Please read, please listen, it would mean a lot. Thank you.**

**[Trigger Warning: A little bit of depression maybe and mention of rape (nothing too graphic)]**

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_1st January 2013_

_Dear Diary,_

_Just writing that makes me cringe. I sound like an effervescent teenage girl who is about to describe every last detail of her latest crush to her diary, to you I suppose. Unfortunately for you that is not the case. My name is Kurt Elizabeth Hummel and I am writing this diary in the vain hope that I can release all my inner turmoil onto you (sorry but it had to be done) and by doing so I can revert back to the old me. The old Kurt who was happy. I haven't always been the shell of a man that I am today. I had a life that I loved. More importantly I had a man that I loved._

_I haven't talked about Blaine in so long as it now pains me to do so but I feel I really must tell you about him in order for you to fully understand how I have got myself into this shape. I was in love with a boy named Blaine Anderson, in fact scrap that, I am still in love with a boy named Blaine Anderson, always will be. Blaine is perfect. I'm pretty sure I fell in love with him the moment I set eyes on him on those spindly Dalton staircases. It would be so hard not to fall in love with Blaine; he's more than beautiful in every sense of the word._

_It is hard not to immediately melt when he smiles. His smile had the ability to make me forget about every worry I had and it was just me and Blaine against the world._

_I was also in love with his curls. Now I realise that may sound insane but I really was in love with every single individual ringlet, or I should say I am in love with them. However, Blaine used to layer his gorgeous curls with gel until it closely resembled a helmet. I could never understand why he did that. Don't get me wrong, he still looked beautiful but I much preferred when he didn't wear any gel. He knew how I felt about his curls so whenever he was over at mine, or I was over at his, he would go without the product. This way I could run my hands through his soft adorable head of hair without the fear of getting my hands stuck in gunk. Furthermore when Blaine freed his curls, quite often one singular strand would stick out in the cutest way possible. Blaine used to protest that it looked stupid but I loved it and I thought it looked wonderful._

_Blaine's eyes used to literally take my breath away. I simply cannot tell you about Blaine without trying to explain how mesmerising they are. I use the word trying as I really do not know how to even begin to describe their perfection. I have never laid eyes on anyone who has had orbs that even come close to being as magnificent as Blaine's. His orbs are big, bright and are of the most beautiful shade of green, but they aren't just green. Oh no, Mister Blaine perfect Anderson had to go beyond the level of flawlessness by having the most stunning, shimmering gold specs in his eyes that made them look a soft honey shade. His eyes were then complimented superbly by his luscious long lashes that anyone would be jealous of._

_I then go on to describe his lips. Just one look at his lips and you would feel yourself pulled towards Blaine, desperately craving to kiss him. His rich red lips always look so inviting and soft to the touch. I loved having his cherry lips on me; I cherished the feel of them on mine._

_Not only is Blaine Anderson the most attractive man alive but he has the biggest and best heart as well. Always, caring, loyal, thoughtful, courageous, enthusiastic, dapper, friendly, humble, completely unselfish and many other positive attributes. He would put his friends and my happiness before his own. He was so kind and lovely to everyone; I sometimes wondered how he did it. He is the epitome of a flawless person in every way and I lost him._

_In all honesty diary I could sit around all day and discuss how much I love Blaine but it hurts too much. Even now, whenever I see a boy with curls, or a boy wearing a blazer, suspenders or a bow tie I can't help but break down and want desperately to just curl up into a ball and cry. Without Blaine in my life I feel hollow, I don't feel like something is missing. No. I feel like everything is missing from my life. My life is now meaningless and I have no clue where it is heading or what I am going to do. All my future plans involved Blaine; Blaine was my future, what am I supposed to do now? Now that I don't have him I feel like a bird with no wings; a tree with no leaves; a world with no music._

_I guess you're probably wondering why I am still not with Blaine diary my dear. In order to explain why we are apart I first need to tell you about the day in which my whole life changed. I want you to understand what I'm going through; I want you to understand how worthless and empty I feel. In fact I think I need you to understand. I doubt you will be able to though, you're just a stack of paper! I'm sorry diary, I didn't mean that. Don't strop, right now you're the only friend I have and soon you are going to be the only person besides my Dad that I have every retold my story to. Brace yourself, it's not going to be easy for either of us and it's going to be messy. You may, no you will, feel tears pour onto the page as I write. No matter how much time passes from when it actually occurred I am certain that I will cry whenever I have to think about it._

_It was on the 22nd of July 2012 that it actually happened. Rachel, Mercedes and I were having a girl's night at the Berry's and I can vaguely remember us watching Pretty in Pink. After the movie the girl's started quizzing me about my very own Blaine, or who was mine at the time. Most of it was silly and fun natter (oh how I miss that) but to this day I can vividly remember the girls asking me if I was ready to give my virginity to Blaine. I was shocked into silence at first, but only a mere seconds after having being asked I answered with a firm, "Yes." I hadn't really given it much thought, me being the baby penguin that I was at the time, but when I was faced with the question I realised with such clarity that yes, I was ready. Really there was no reason as to why I wouldn't be, I loved Blaine and he loved me back. Also the fact that Blaine was, and I bet still is, breathtakingly beautiful may have helped a little. I remember texting Blaine right there and then, the text being along the lines of:_

_I want to go to your house tomorrow night. X_

_He knew what it meant, his parents were away at a conference and he had the house to himself. I didn't have to wait long for a reply, I will never forget it like many of Blaine's texts, it will stay with me forever._

_Really? Okay, I can't wait. I love you. (((Hugs))) X_

_I always loved Blaine's text as they were just so like Blaine and I could literally hear him say it as I read them. Then there is the fact that he signed every text to me with "I love you" which used to make the butterflies in my stomach work in overdrive. I could imagine him being excited yet nervous, picking out his outfit down to what bow tie he would wear. Jumpy and jittery are the words I would use to describe how I imagined him being like in that moment and it made me smile as wide as the Cheshire cat himself at the thought._

_From that we moved onto different conversations and I tried to focus as Rachel talked about Finn and how in love they both were. I listened to Mercedes as she spoke excitably about what a great summer she was having with Sam and although she did not say it explicitly, it sounded like she was in love with Sam too. I thought we were finally getting what we wanted, what we deserved; the future appeared to be a happy place for us all. A sequence of events after that however changed my life forever, heck changed me forever. The first thing to go wrong that night was when I couldn't find my phone. In the end I came to the conclusion that I must have left it at home which meant that I couldn't call my Dad and tell him that I wouldn't be home until the following day. I would have used Rachel's phone if it had not been for the fact that I knew Dad was out with Carole and would only have his mobile on him. Whilst his mobile number was saved on my phone I didn't know it from memory. Why didn't I know it? I did not want Dad to worry when he got home and I wasn't there so due to the fact that I didn't have my car with me (Finn had it) I decided to walk home. I could have easily left a message on the home phones answer machine but I thought better of it. I was set on organising my outfit for my "date" with Blaine. I should've stayed at Rachel's; I should have left Dad a message. I was so stupid! That was my next mistake and my third and final mistake of the night was not taking up with Leroy's offer of driving me home himself. I was trying to be polite by kindly turning down his offer; I didn't want to be a hassle to anyone. I convinced him to let me go by telling him that it was not a long walk and that I could use some fresh air anyway. On my walk home was when the incident occurred: the one incident that that has had such a detrimental effect on me. I'm forever stuck with the horrific memory. The lowest point of my life forever etched on my brain. It was incredibly naïve and stupid of me to think that such an occurrence would never happen to me. I never thought for once in my life that I would become a rape victim. I never thought twice about being alone at night. Unfortunately for me though three extremely intoxicated men didn't fail to notice that I was by myself. From that moment on I was doomed._

_It was me against three men, I struggled and struggled to get out of the web that they had enclosed me in but it was no use. They brought me into a flat that I can only assume was theirs. My focus was not on the surroundings however but on the pigs in front of me. I had always been someone who saw the best in everyone so I tried to convince myself that it was all just a misunderstanding and that I wasn't really about to be abused in such a way. I looked up at the men's faces pleadingly one by one. I could tell by the looks on their faces that I was wrong. There was not good in everyone; the devilish smirks on their faces told me that._

_I was trapped, unable to move, paralysed with fear. I could smell them, feel them, hear them as they violated me, abused me, debased me with their actions. I was absolutely terrified, I didn't know how, or what to do, to make them stop. I was shaking uncontrollably as fat tears rode quickly down my cheeks. It was me being raped, it was really me._

_Really I should be relieved, I'm a survivor, but I can't help but feel disappointed that they hadn't killed me after what they did. The phrase a fate worse than death could not be truer when describing what I went through. The first few weeks after it happened were horrific. No matter how many times I showered I still felt dirty. I could smell them on me. The animals were forever etched on my eyelashes and I couldn't get rid of them. Wherever I went I felt their ragged breathes on my neck. Whenever I walked past a mirror I swore I saw them in the reflection. They wouldn't leave me alone! I felt like they were following me, it was the memory following me. Haunting me no matter how hard I tried. I felt so worthless, these men had killed the old me and no one would love the new me they had created. I hid away from my friends, from Blaine; I was too scared to see the look of disgust on their faces that would inevitably be there when they saw me. They could probably smell the revolting stench on me. They would never love me again. Blaine would never love me again._

_I was collapsing mentally day by day, still am in fact. I just feel so alone. And the flashbacks. I can't bear the flashbacks. Every flashback makes me feel like I cannot breathe. Tears fog my vision as I scream, flinch, struggle, sob, cry, and shake violently, reacting the very same way I had reacted that day. I plead for them not to hurt me, I cry out in agony as they hurt me more, sobbing whilst they take no notice of my cries of "no please no". I relive the horrific experience again and again through these flashbacks and I cannot stop it._

_I am in such a dark place filled with pain that I can't help but think that there is no chance of ever going back, no chance of me being happy again. The regular flashbacks make me feel like I can no longer control my own life. Self-hatred whirls through me, refusing to go away no matter how hard I cry. I don't blame myself for hating me, everybody hates me now. No, they don't tell me this to my face but I can just tell that they do. Who wouldn't hate me? I'm pathetic; a waste of space; a liability to the world. I guess I deserve to be hated, I've earned the right. I'm no longer even entitled to a life now; no one wants me here, not even my friends or family. I love my Dad and he's always there for me, even now, but that must simply mean that he's putting up with me, it's not like he has a choice in the matter. I'm sure that he's as disgusted with me as I am with myself. I am a burden to him, and that hurts me more than words can say diary._

_I live every day trying to manage all the hateful, cruel thoughts that my brain directs towards myself. I feel pathetic, weak, worthless, and it takes all I have left in me to not cry every minute of every day._

_That's why I started this diary I guess. I want to change my life around; I want 2013 to be different, to be better. I don't begin to expect that to actually happen. I doubt I will ever stop being miserable, I don't think I will ever get passed this but I can at least try. I like to think that you can help. To be honest, you're my last hope. I've tried so many things in order to get back to the old me but they have proved to be no use. I've been told that opening up can help though and that's what you're here for. To retail the story that I have kept hidden from so many people. For someone to listen, you're the only one that will listen to me now, after all that I have done._

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**So what did you think? Please review, I don't mean to beg but I want to know that someone is listening. Even if your review just tells me that you don't like it and you think I shouldn't be writing this. At least I'll still know that someone out there is listening. I know I'm an awful writer but feedback would be wonderful, even if it's not positive. I'm so nervous about putting this up; I have not told many people about what happened to me, I'm still trying to build up the courage to tell more people. Anyway, enough about me, if you're still here, you're amazing. Thank you so much for reading.**


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